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2017: Reflection

*Trigger Post – take this as your warning. I may be weepy, which in turn means you may also end up weepy.
 
Yeah, I have changed a lot and that is totally fine with me. Finally, I learned to love myself. I learned to respect myself and to care a lot less about what other people have to say. I’m not be the one who doesn’t take chances because she thinks that she can’t handle them. Instead, I try. I try to do things that I never have before and if I fail, I will surely learn a lesson from it. But one thing is for absolute certain – I will keep trying.
 
“In order to have something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.”
 
2017 was a lot of things for me – a learning process being one of them. In 2017, I learned to let go. Of my past, of my previous learned patterns, of a few people that I thought would be around for the rest of my life or atleast a little while longer but they’ve taught me a lot and for that I’m so thankful.
 
Lessons Learned – There are too many temporary things in life and love shouldn’t be one of them. I’m SO GLAD this is something that I realized and learned in 2017.
 
Patience – Whoever said ‘patience can’t be taught’ never made an honest effort to do so. This doesn’t just have to do with people throughout your life but also just gaining patience within yourself. 98% of getting through life is gaining the want/need to be patient, to be more understanding, to gain closure and such with things you don’t understand that you need to let go of. 
 
Papa – You went quickly, for that I am almost thankful. I want to say that “I’m glad” that you went so quickly but doesn’t that sound a tad bit morbid? What I mean to say is, “I’m glad you didn’t have to suffer very long” and “I’m glad you get to be reunited with the love of your life now.” But I will say that I wish we could’ve had more time… More time together when you were healthy, that you would’ve had more time to spend with Kate so she could’ve known you when you were healthy, happy, and whole.. and more than absolutely anything that you could’ve spent time with our new coming kiddos – that they could’ve enjoyed your sweet, welcoming spirit… that they could’ve enjoyed your love in the ways that I got to growing up. 
 
Aid & Little Miss – I love both of you so much. More than words could say, more than I could ever put into words, more than you’ll ever be able to realize. I won’t pretend my heart isn’t still broken, anyone who knows me, communicates with me, knows the devastation I still feel to this day, and the confusion I continue to cope with. How even a mention of either of your names will light up my world like no other, only to force it down a deep hole a few minutes later when I realize how things are now, and why. Please don’t ever question the fact that I love you, think of you, and miss you every single day. Although you were only a part of my life for a short, little while, the impact you made on me will forever change me.
 
“The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you’ve been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.”
 
During 2017 I also learned to hold on, to try harder, to make more honest efforts for things I wanted to succeed in and although I lost a lot this year, I gained even more – for that I can be nothing but thankful. I gained strength, I gained ‘wholeness,’ and I gained the state of ‘completion.’
 
Daddy – I’ll just leave this right here. 2017 was tough but so are we, so are Y O U. I love you, I will always be ‘your baby’ and nothing will ever change that.
 
Kate – Although our journey began at the end of last year and I’ve known you well beyond that, I’m still going to mention you (of course.) We’ve been through a lot together this year, we’ve grown beyond imaginable measures, and we’ve come a long way together. I’m excited to see us “top this year” next year – but what I’m looking forward to even more is watching our journey continue and watching our love with our family grow.
 
“Never be afraid to start over… it’s a chance to rebuild your life the way you wanted all along.”
 
This year has been especially turbulent for me. It was a rollercoaster for sure – but I’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel… this is one thing I’m especially thankful for! I’m putting all of my hopes into the year that is yet to come – I’ve had my fair share of hell and it’s finally come time to experience the happiness that stays and a love that doesn’t leave… Out of all of the wishes from this previous years reflection – I’m so thankful that I found, “the love that stays.”
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