It’s absolutely crazy to me how something can completely consume you – completely take over every emotion and quite frankly your entire being for SUCH A LONG TIME and then not effect you at all.
There are children… many, many children out there in this big world who did not fall asleep to a mama wondering how on Earth she could ever love that child more. There are millions of children who might never get to experience all that a child should know. THOSE are things that which now break my heart.
It’s kind of funny how things change… you know, since not being able to get pregnant used to be what broke my heart daily.. and the way the conversations of “starting your own family” used to be what made my stomach turn.
I’ve been head over feels, jumping for joy since the very first adoption/fostering meeting we had so many months ago. I no longer wonder about an unborn child, but instead about the millions who are here and whose own, little hearts break daily waiting on love.
These things have been stewing and brewing in my heart since we began this process, especially since we started and now finished IMPACT classes and are standing by with our hearts on the line, waiting for a call.
I do not have a baby bump, nor will I EVER have a baby bump but this doesn’t make this a “second hand” experience or outcome for either one of us. This is a child’s life and we will ensure that this baby knows that he/she was loved long before our paths crossed and we locked arms to find him/her.
Those of you who can’t have a child, I want you to think of it like the daddy – the daddy who is never able to physically carry a child. It doesn’t matter, the second that child comes into the world, the daddy’s heart melts. Your heart doesn’t know the difference the moment they place that child into your arms.
We have been preparing the kiddo’s room and for the arrival of our child(ren) honestly just as if I had a baby bump. We’ve had the same discussions new parents often have when preparing for a new child – what are we going to do for child care arrangements while working, how would you like to decorate the bedroom, what pediatrician and dentist we will use, and of course the MANY things we want to do ‘once little Travis gets here.’
I wanted to contribute to the discussion, but I wasn’t sure how to contribute and which emotion to share with you. I’ve had so many during these past few years and even more during these past few months, and I feel like it’s all sort of reaching a climactic point as we are getting closer and closer to these steps within our “fostering” process where it’s all beginning to be REAL.
But we will stick to the script and I will stay real as I promised to do so from day 1 of beginning this journey as I share it with you guys (and with myself.)
I have been afraid of many things in my life….big moments, big decisions, big surgeries. But if I’m being honest, this could be the most fear I’ve felt yet (which seems crazy, considering I have fearful thoughts around my job daily.) This is a little person coming into our lives. This is a little person that I am going to love from second number one. The thought of that child being anything but ours forever is scary. There is a fear that cannot be described, and yet I know that this fear must not lead me. Fear must not have control, and fear must not determine emotions. No matter what, we remember the true goal here – even more than “Gotcha Day”, which is..love. To give our love to a little person, while keeping the faith that the right little one will be placed with us – forever.
“Gotcha Day” isn’t as close as it might seem, kind of like two pink lines were never as close as so many people thought they were. Friends and family ask us about our adoption process all of the time. Most just assume that when you receive your call, you meet up with the child, take s/he home and live happily ever after. This is not the case…at least not when you adopt through your state, through the county and especially through the foster care system.
I know that we will not be able to adopt all the children in the world, but it is my hope, to be able to help foster and/or orphaned children in whatever way we can. I now understand things about life and about children and about love and heartbreak that I could have never known even a year ago. These things I am now able to understand have made my mission will so much more clear.