I’m built from every mistake I’ve ever made.

Sometimes you have to be mature enough to understand that you may have toxic personality traits and it’s not always the other person.

Don’t break someone’s heart just because you have been broken. Don’t become cruel because someone was cruel to you. Don’t hurt someone just because you have been hurt. Don’t become emotionless because you weren’t shown the emotion you deserve. And don’t become the person who hurt you because you were hurt.

We always have two options in life when things don’t go how we so desperately want them to, we can move on with a positive attitude taking away what we learned from the tragedy. Or we can hang our heads and sulk over what could have been and live in our self-imposed misery.

 

It took a while for me to realize this, but most of the pain I’ve felt in my life was self-inflicted. It was uncontrollable misery and tragedy from my world, deeply worsened from the mindset I had. It did more damage than good because I chose to think negatively and poorly about my life. While I didn’t have the power to control my circumstance, I surely had the power to control my mindset, but I didn’t want to.

Everyone has their own problems and obstacles in life. No one’s problems are any less relevant just because you think yours are worse. Everyone’s problems are important because everyone feels differently and handles pain differently. What we can’t do is let those experiences and problems change us for the worst.

 

We can’t let someone who doesn’t love us correctly take away our hope and desire to find a new love, a better love.

Don’t give up on love because you were hurt, don’t become the person who hurt you to someone else. It’s not fair to you or them because your heart will heal, maybe not wholly or quickly, but someone will love you again. They will love all the broken pieces of you that you’ve worked so hard at putting back together, and you will love them back.

 

Don’t let who broke you change how you love. Don’t let it change how you feel towards others. Don’t let it change how you feel when you’re falling in love. Don’t let it change how your heart beats for another soul. Don’t let it change the passion you felt in your heart before you were broken.

 

And please, don’t let it change who you are because you are not who broke you, you are better than that.

Don’t change who you are, learn from it. You have to want to be better and you can’t let heart break change you who are because love wins, love always wins in the end. You can be hateful, you can be cold and dark, but the only person you are hurting is yourself because love always wins. You are hurting your future chances at love, you are hurting your future chances at healing and happiness.

Healing will take time and it will take everyone different amounts of time, but once you find someone new, someone who loves you better than you could imagine you will love harder and stronger than you did before.

 

Don’t be mad at who hurt you, don’t hold grudges, and certainly don’t change who you are as a person and your heart because of what happened to you. Your heart is kind and it’s filled with love you want to share, don’t let anyone take that from you, especially not the one who hurt you because then they win.

Hurt people hurt people because misery loves company. Don’t let hate and hurt stop you from being the best person you can be.

Be you, be completely and unashamedly you, and always know that love wins and you will have your happy ending.

 

If you refuse to forgive and keep the person who sinned against you locked in a prison of bitterness, guess who’s paying? YOU ARE.

You’re the one losing sleep. You’re the one whose stomach hurts.

You’re the one whose relationships are being infected by bitterness.

You’re the one whose closet is a wreck.

The pain never changes on February 13th.

Every single year, on the same day, the air changes; It’s almost like a camouflaged smog that makes it hard to inhale from the moment that my eyes open in the morning.

All of the progress that my heart has made, it all falls as shattered pieces on to the ground when I make my way to the shower to start my day and I check my phone and the date. My heart constricts and loses any room to breathe when I look at the date. You were far too young to be stolen from our world and today, your birthday, is harder than your angel day. Because it means that as you should be getting older, you’re not, you’re just stuck at 17.

The day that you went away will never get easier. It’s the day that time stands still. The skies all turn gray and sudden beams of the sun shine right through, almost as if you’re just screaming out your love from the skies.

Why can’t you be here? Why can’t you just be here on this one day a year that all of our hearts smoke up with pain from missing you?

Isn’t there some sort of pass you can get? A round-trip ticket from the skies to come and hug us while we grieve?

I just cannot comprehend your death.

Where did you go? Aren’t you watching all of us today? It’s the worst kind of grief when we can all feel you, but we can’t seem to touch that face.

On this day, every single damn year, I count the tears. I count how many times that my heart constricts when I hear your name. I count the breathes that it takes before I fall asleep as I continue to wonder how I’ll keep on going without you here.

The pain never changes. I hold it all in, then once a year I drown myself in rivers of the tears my heart has saved.

I want to breathe again. I want you here today. My God, I miss you so damn much. And next year I will, too…

I will never forget the line of cars waiting to come in and say their final goodbyes to your beautiful but lifeless body.

The traffic jam that is the perfect metaphor for a number of tears that I hold back until my head on the pillow at night gives the green light to flow out.

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve only learned the coping skills to deal with the pain and keep it from infecting the rest of my heart.

Time is a gracious thing. They say that time heals all wounds, but losing you is a wound that will never heal.

But over time, missing you comes in waves. When the sun is shining, it almost feels like the warm and heavy rays are asking my tears to join them. How could I be enjoying such a beautiful and warm world while you can’t be here to walk with me, too?

I take a lot of pictures and videos of everything around me. I used to think that was super lame and every time someone says how ‘inconvenient’ it is for them that I’m constantly wanting to snap a quick picture to enjoy the moment, I just smile and continue with what I’m doing… Because I’ve lost people, I lost you, and years passed and I’ve started to forget the sound of their voices, the lines on their skin – the crease in their eyes when they smile, the way their hair falls over their eyes, oh wait – that’s you… What I’m getting at is that I would rather have too many memories than not enough.

I hold on to every memory of you like a toddler carries a blanket.

I’m so afraid that as the years pass, I’ll lose the raw image of your face in my mind. I never want to have to dig for a picture to remember what the corners of your smile looked like.

I know that you would reprimand me for feeling so sad. I know that you would ignore the right that I have to cry over losing you and tell me to go about my day and think about something else.

You have shown me such courage. I’m so proud of the pride you took with you to heaven. You accomplished so much in your short time here on earth.

The memory of your wisdom and strength has helped in the process of grieving your death.

Despite the time that has passed, I will never stop missing you. I am grateful for the gift of time that has helped cope with the wounds left by losing you.

I’m missing you, and always loving you. Until we meet again, I’ll cherish the time.

It doesn’t matter how much time passes, the empty place in my heart will never fully heal. My chest still feels tight when I think about how much I miss you, the bond we shared can never be replaced.

If Heaven wasn’t so far away, I would hug you so hard and never let go. No one will hug me quite like you used to, with the extra squeeze that made me miss you before you even left.

I miss your sense of humor and the twinkle in your eyes when you laughed really hard or had just made a joke that you knew only I would find as funny as you did.

I would stop by for coffee and tell you all about the things you have missed. I hope you would be proud of where I am now.

I would eventually introduce you to my children; they would love you with their whole heart just like I do.

I would get your advice on how to navigate this life, you always knew exactly what to say.

I wish I could breathe in your smell and hear your voice just one more time. I will never forget it.

I’d cry and vent about everything that has happened since you left. You were the best listener.

What I wouldn’t give for one more Christmas with you…It’s hard to comprehend that you won’t be here for all the big things that will happen in my life.

Knowing that there will never be another you makes my heart hurt, you were truly one of a kind. But also knowing that I was lucky enough to have you in my life at all is a blessing that I will never take for granted. The memories we made will last a lifetime.

If Heaven wasn’t so far away, I would tell you one more time how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I would tell you how much I looked up to you and that you still inspire me every day.

You live in my heart now, until we meet again.

“Tell ’em we’d be back in a couple of days In the rear view mirror we’d all watch him wave And losing them wouldn’t be so hard to take If heaven wasn’t so far away” –Justin Moore’s”

Sunday Thoughts

I get asked quite often where I stand with God and my faith due to my marriage and more specifically my partner being a woman. I often find myself brushing it off because i realize that those who are asking are most likely provoking me for some sort of debate about equality and religion and quite frankly to put this nicely, it’s no ones business.

However I did have some questions come up after posting our wedding video Friday because it became ever so clear how much God is actually in our marriage. I am a lover of the Lord and I will say that My God is for you, not against you. My God loves unconditionally – no matter what, and because of that, I will never distance myself from him in spite of someone else’s opinion. I will not turn my back on him, for all of those times that he did not turn his back on me – not again.

I came across something tonight that said, “Christianity isn’t supposed to be about gathering up the good people (shiny, happy, squeaky, clean) and excluding the bad people (frightening, alien, different, repulsive.) For the very simple reason that there aren’t any ‘good people.’ [Christianity] certainly can slip into being a club or a cozy affinity group or a wall against the world. But it isn’t supposed to be. What it’s supposed to be is a league of the guilty.” A league of the forgiven.

I am sorry for each and every one of you who have lost your faith or tossed it to the back burner because of something that a ‘christian’ has said to you. I pray that you find your way back to him, just as I did.

Why we eloped and don’t regret it for a single second.

Why we eloped and don’t regret it for a single second.

First and foremost, yes we tied the knot. It’s a conversation we’d been having for months and it was just a matter of when to, how to (money,) and where to.

We started that morning with a date to get our nails done together (just the two of us) and then we parted ways to get ready for the rest of the days events (separately.) We got married in a sunflower field (my favorite) at sunset (our favorite) on a Thursday afternoon and then we ate chicken wings and oysters (also our favorite) afterwards and lived happily ever after.

Let me also take a second to note: I am by no means saying anything negative about those who choose to have extravagant weddings or anything else, I’m just comfortably speaking for both of us when I say it was the best decision we ever could’ve made and here’s why:

 

⁃ Elephant in the Room (This isn’t my first marriage) – My wife knows this (of course) so this isn’t a shock to you nor should it be to any of you so let’s get this out of the way first – I’ve been through this before and with that, i know the things i wanted to change my second time around (both with my marriage and the wedding.)

⁃ Money – We are both in public safety and spending a lot of money on a big wedding wasn’t an option for us, but even if it was, we would rather have put those dollars toward our house. We agreed that a wedding is just one day, not the whole marriage. Focus on the life you’re establishing together as a couple, not on all the trappings the wedding industry says you ‘must’ have. We called a favorite friend to take our pictures and another favorite friend to perform our ceremony, and then hired a videographer (who I’ve known basically my entire life) to handle capturing our day to be able to playback later for friends and family. We had absolutely everything we needed. I love celebrating others in the ways they choose and cry at almost every wedding. But dropping that kind of money on a party where I’ll barely get to spend time with the people I love just isn’t one of my values.

⁃ The Headache of Wedding Planning – Let’s call wedding planning what it is… a headache. A stress filled time in our lives full of organizing (which i do enjoy) and planning (also enjoy) but then you have to spend all of this time and money coordinating this big day for 200+ other people that isn’t even meant for them. We woke up on a Sunday and said, “Do you want to get married on Thursday?” and that was that. We bought two sundresses, a tree, and wrote our vows. I am an anxious person who is particularly sensitive to the expectations of others. I didn’t want to spend months worrying about other people and losing myself in the process. I didn’t want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a party, just to get people in one room and barely spend any time with them. And yet, I never doubted wanting to spend the rest of my life with Lex and eloping didn’t take away from a second of that.

⁃ Intimacy – The idea of crying in front of large crowds of people makes me sick at my stomach – KIDDING! (But no, seriously.) For me, it seemed like far too intimate a thing for others to observe, like reading aloud from your diary. It didn’t matter if we cried through our vows (I did) or we both laughed through the entire ceremony (we both did) because it was just us and not us plus 200 people… and that’s a bigger deal than most people make it out to be. We didn’t have to be nervous or uncomfortable, we just got to be ourselves and enjoy our perfect day…. our way. It was a day that was meant just for us – no performance, no pressure.

⁃ Personal Reasons – Your wedding day is supposed to be one of the single most important days of your life, one of those days that you look back on and smile from ear to ear, right? There are some things that are taking place in our lives behind closed doors that would’ve personally effected my wife looking back on this day had we done this any other way and at the end of the day, it may “effect” those who didn’t get invited or it may have “hurt the feelings” of those who didn’t get to attend, but guess what? To those people, this is just another day on their calendar. It’s just another event they got to (or didn’t get to) attend. Thinking back on it 5 years from now, they won’t get giddy thinking about ‘what happened on OUR wedding day,’ but guess what? WE will. With that said, I’ll do anything in my power to make this the single best day of her life. Point blank period.

⁃ Receptions Are What People REALLY Care About Anyways – We are having a ‘here’s what you missed’ party which will include the showing of our exchange of vows video and pictures from our special day for our closest friends and family (without everyone else having to dress up and sit in the heat for 45 minutes.) We skipped that part and skipped to the cake cutting, party music, and good food for you…which is what everyone actually cares about, right?

⁃ Because NO EXPECTATIONS are GREAT EXPECTATIONS – We freed ourselves from the expectations that everything would be perfect, and actually, everything was perfect. We didn’t tell anyone we were getting married ahead of time, not even our parents or our closest friends.

My advice to anyone considering the option of eloping would be…you never know what could happen tomorrow so if you love someone and want to keep them forever, do it! I’ve realized that sometimes you have to do the “selfish” thing, because when it comes to the moments that count, it’s worth it to put yourself first.

“When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want your life to begin as soon as possible.”

You could be joined as one in about a week from today (or 4 days if you’re like us!)

Inside of my mind, you’re still alive.

You are still alive, because I refuse to let your memory die. You mean too much for me to just forget about you. I can never wipe your face from my mind, and I am not going to wipe your name from my vocabulary either. I am going to keep talking about you even if it hurts. I am going to remember the fun times we had even if it makes me break down in tears.

You deserve to be talked about. You deserve to be bragged about. Your memory deserves to be kept alive.

I have not heard your voice in years, your phone has been disconnected so I haven’t been able to call your voicemail for quite some time now but my heart has conversations with you every day. And inside of my mind, you are still alive, because all of the lessons that you taught me are locked inside of me. You taught me about strength. You taught me about self-love. You taught me about pushing on. You taught me about the best punk-rock bands to ever walk this earth (most of which I still listen to, to this day.) You taught me to never give up on myself, because any pit can be climbed out of with enough effort.

You are still alive, because I keep your picture saved to my phone so that I see it every single day. I will never forget the way that your lopsided smile looked. I will never forget the shade of your eyes… and I will never forget the way your hair covered them. I will never forget you, because I have reminders of you placed all around my day to day. Sometimes, it still feels like you are right there with me.

You are still alive, because every time that I close my eyes, I can picture you perfectly. Scenes from the past replay inside of my head at night — and there are times when I can even imagine new scenes, memories that would have taken place if you were still here. I can imagine what you would have said to me, when you would have hugged me, how proud you would have been of me.

You are still alive, because everyone in my life knows your name. Even if they never had the chance to meet you in person, they know all about you. They know how much you meant to me — and how much you still mean to me. They know that you were the first person I came out to and as weird as it was for you, you still managed to smile and say, “one day coming out won’t be a thing and I hope we’re around to see that happen.” They know that I wouldn’t have become the person that I am today without your help.

You are still alive, because I talk about you all the time. I see your favorite candy sitting on store shelves and point out how they were always your favorite. I hear your favorite song and mouth the lyrics as I picture you singing. I tell funny stories about you that everyone in my life has already heard multiple times before, but continue to listen to, because they know how important it is for me to keep your memory alive.

Inside of my mind, you are still alive, because there are moments when I forget that you are gone. When I expect you to text me or show up at the front step. When I think of something that I know you’d love and I instantly go to text you about it… 11 years later. My brain has trouble wrapping around the idea that you’re gone, because it is so ridiculous. You aren’t supposed to be somewhere else. You are supposed to be close by, within reach.

Grief is such a lonely thing. There’s no one in it with you – others may grieve for the same soul, but they do not grieve exactly for what you also grieve. No one has lost precisely what you have lost. Not exactly, never exactly. We are in it alone.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to you.

Forgive them, even if they’re not sorry.

”But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.” — Luke 6:27-31

If you do an honest assessment of your family relationships and one or two people keep showing up because of the terrible way they make you feel, it might be time to evaluate these toxic people and find out if this toxic relationship in your life is keeping you from finding happiness. See, toxic family are negative energy – they drain you of your happiness and love to create drama, often times at your expense. Sometimes we need to take close evaluation to see if life will be better letting go of these toxic family members. How to cope when cutting ties with toxic family members and when it might be time to walk away forever. 

Just because they’re your family, it doesn’t mean that they have the best intentions for you. Often times you’ll find, they just have the best intentions for themselves (this can apply to friends, family, coworkers, as well.) A lot of us are taught that there’s nothing more important than the family we’re related to. However, this shouldn’t conceal the fact that sometimes it’s our own family members which are the most toxic.

Some family members mean well but often have difficulties showing it. Yet, there are some who are like poison to your soul. They criticize everything you do, expect too much, lack respect and show very little support. Furthermore, they ridicule, neglect, manipulate and belittle you. Their actions don’t suggest love; only the lack of it.

Want to know what is the worst? Hearing people say, ‘they’re still your family.’Especially people who aren’t around to see the toxic-ness that surrounds that relationship in your life. Just because someone is your family doesn’t mean you have to keep them in your life if they’re toxic. Blood means nothing sometimes. Don’t let people guilt you into being in contact with someone who isn’t good for your mental health. 

A family member will take advantage of the fact that you are family – a bond that is supposed to be enduring, loving and respectful – to manipulate and hurt you because they know you will find it very hard to remove yourself because you are family

Sometimes we live with these family members and/or love them dearly. The thought of losing them is not what you want. Therefore, we have to try these things:

• Communicate – some people just need the awareness.
• Understand – can you understand where it’s coming from and help them?
• Lead by example – show them how you expect them to be.
• Positive thinking – only think about how you want them to be.
• Unconditional love – love can transform others; focus on their good traits.
• Visualization – evoke all your senses and picture how you want them to be.
• Distance – keep time with them limited until things improve.
• Vibrate higher – do the things you love; feeling good will attract more of the same.
• Gratitude – focus on the things you’re thankful for.

Despite these tips, you have to remember that you cannot change others unless they want to change themselves. You have to set healthy boundaries and look out for number one. Don’t feel bad or selfish for making your well-being a priority. You weren’t placed on this planet to suffer at the hands of another human being; regardless of who they are.

“It’s okay to outgrow family members who no longer contribute to your happiness and well-being.”

At some point, especially if you’ve been raised in a toxic family system, you have to stop searching for the good in people. You have to search for the truth, for what is real, for what their actions tell you. Good is often dressed in fake clothing. What is real is honest and proud, regardless of the scars. The truth is what you get when you look for what is real. It’s important to protect ourselves from manipulative people and to not give our trust up front. Trust is best developed when it has been earned through time. When we trust right away, we often get burned because we’ve trusted someone when we didn’t give ourselves the time to deeply know them, and now our secrets are with a person who lacks integrity and uses our pain against us for manipulation. The healthiest way to enter into any relationship, is to take your time.

Time and time again you’ll find yourself trying to understand and rationalize their behavior and then forgiving their actions because… it’s your family.

They may be manipulating, lying, being passive-aggressive, hurtful, or physically abusive, but they are continuing to act this way because you allow it.

• What are you doing to stand up for yourself and to stop the way they treat you?
• How do you react when they disrespect and hurt you?
• What is the toxic person’s reaction when you choose to stand up to them?

When you confront a toxic person, expect the worst.

He mocks those who mock, but gives grace to the humble. The wise will inherit honor, but he holds up fools to dishonor. (Proverbs 3:34-35)

 

You’ll see that they are quite manipulative in their reaction to being confronted. A family member will play the victim and try to corral other family members against you because you’ve hurt them. They may use their emotions to influence other family members/family friends and isolate you and they may treat you harshly as well. Expect lies, victim stories where they paint themselves as the victim and you the bad guy.

Toxic people will flat out lie about what you’ve confronted about. The toxic person will make up new stories to disarm your interpretation of the truth and they will redirect the indictments you’re accusing them of towards you – all scenarios will point back to the toxic person making themselves the victim in the eyes of anyone around them.

The things the toxic person says, what those around her will say to you and accuse you of may make you feel like the crazy person.

Forgive them, even if they’re not sorry… Forgive them, then move on with your life and leave them right where they stand.

Know that the redirection is just another manipulation to make you question the validity of your claims, recollection of your account of events and question your own emotions and make you feel like you’re crazy/overreacting/dramatic.

Do not question yourself. You have every right to stand up for your well-being, for your emotions, and for your sanity. It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member or a friend, you don’t have to tolerate toxic behavior when it affects your well being.

Good vibes are vital to living a good life. Pretending someone’s toxic behavior is okay, is not okay! Sometimes, their actions make us lose sight of our self-worth, and we begin to accept it. Stop! Emotional abuse is never cool or acceptable. If you need to cut off destructive behaviors, then do it with no regrets. Your happiness matters.

“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love you dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you love, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful— you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.”

“I like your God but I don’t like your Christians.”

Let me start this by saying (again,) I am in love with another female and still uphold a good, healthy relationship with God – I know, some of you wonder how that could possibly be.

 

‘A gay christian is not an oxymoron but a hateful christian certainly is.’

 

The shame that is heaped onto the LGBTQ community is NOT GOD. That shame is a product of bad teaching, a longing to stay in a good community, a fear of things changing in their world, and a fear of rejection that churches are perpetuating from the pulpit. I dare you to tell me that God did that… because I don’t know about you, but my God forgave me of my sins big and small and he loves me without question. 

 

YOU are already loved by God. God already approves of you, loves you, welcomes you into this family. Regardless of circumstances or life choices, what you have done or have not done, you are a child of God. 

 

The word “homosexuality” didn’t even show up in English translations of the Bible until 1946, so why do we say the Bible condemns it?

There are seven verses that are sometimes used to say homosexuality is a sin (may I mention that God didn’t say, but Paul.) However there are also twelve verses against divorce and four verses against having sex with someone who is menstruating, and there are 2,350 verses about money, and 300 about social justice and the poor, and 24 verses about immigration.

Over 2000 Bible verses on poverty. On money. On the rich and poor. And those 2000+ verses give us some basic instructions for life on earth, that could be summed up in the ancient wisdom of a prophet 700 years before Jesus of Nazareth:

He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? — Micah 6:8

And yet, all anyone wants to talk about these days are six Bible verses that “condemn homosexuality.” Here’s the thing — they don’t.

And we need to accept that so we can get back to the more important things.

There are 33 different verses in the new testament where Jesus tells his followers that they must still follow the old testament laws, yet almost no Christians do. Conversely, there are zero verses where Jesus condemns homosexuality and yet almost all Christians believe homophobia is a requirement. 

Wait, what? Jesus never condemned homo-sexuality? Correct. In fact, he never even mentions it. It is Paul who condemns it. 

Things banned by the bible, are you ready? Tattoos. Eating shellfish. Divorce. Rounded haircuts. Gossiping. Blended fabric. Wearing gold. Eating pork. Working on Sundays. Cursing at your parents. Pre-marital sex. Oh and according to some being gay? A sin, is a sin, is a sin. 

To be sure, thinking outside the echo chamber of right wing religious conservatism can be a daunting proposition whose risks seem too heavy to take and whose revelation too frightening to consider, but hear this, and hear it well…

Every time you claim to be pro-life and yet emotionally, spiritually, socially, and politically abort the lives of LGBTQ people, you are the faithless hypocritical brothers of Jesus whose primary attraction to His cause was to use Him for their selfish agenda and purposes and ignore the rest of Him.

Every time you use Scripture to judge and demonize an LGBTQ person, you are the Pharisees who, out of a desire for religious power, control, and domination, vigorously searched the Scriptures to justify their bigotry, while completely missing the heart of Jesus.

Every time you deny your LGBTQ child your love and acceptance, you are Peter in the garden denying Jesus, willing to cut off the ear of anyone who reveals your inability to hear the Spirit.

Every time you condemn an LGBTQ person as a sinning abomination destined for the flames of hell, you are crucifying the risen Jesus all over again.

Oh yes, God is bringing revival to the earth, your prayers have all been answered. But sadly, like many before you, you miss it, and would even condemn, beat, and kill it, because you only see Jesus as the image of yourself and your religious ideology.

For all of you who aren’t sure, it is possible to be gay and Christian. It’s also possible to believe in God and science. It is possible to be pro-choice and anti-abortion. It is equally possible to be a feminist and love and respect men. It’s possible to have privilege and be discriminated against, to be poor and have a rich life, to not have a job and still have money. It is possible to believe in sensible gun control legislation and still believe in one’s right to defend one’s self, family, and property, it’s possible to be anti-war and pro-military. It is possible to love thy neighbor and despise his actions. It is possible to advocate Black Lives Matter and still be pro police. It is possible to not have an education and be brilliant. It is possible to be Muslim and also suffer at the hands of terrorists. It is possible to be a non-American fighting for the American dream. It is possible to be different and the same. We are all walking contradictions of what “normal” looks like. Let humanity and love win.

My God loves gay people and lots of other people, too.

 

 

“Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

“A new commandment I give you: love one another.”

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)

Let me start this by saying, I am in love with another female and still uphold a good, healthy relationship with God – I know, some of you wonder how that could possibly be.

‘Be around people who will love you for who you are, not in spite of who you are.’

In some cases, the word of the bible seems to be a foggy shade of grey, instead of a stark black and white. I’ve always known what we are called to do… love, but practically speaking I haven’t always known how to.. and while I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on the matter, and I’ve definitely not always gotten it right, I am more than happy to share the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Jesus was the epitome of love and truth.

“We may not always see eye to eye, and our beliefs and lifestyle choices may be different, but that doesn’t have to change how we love.”

In my experience, the LGBTQ community simply wants to be treated like everyone else… accepted, included, loved, embraced, and respected. No different from the rest of us.

A common struggle for many, but especially among Christian circles, is our tendency to see our LGBTQ friends/family as a label, rather than as an individual. THIS is destructive. Labels limit the way that we see and embrace those around us. It makes us blind and causes us to overlook the totality of a person.

How would it make you feel if every time you get together with friends, all they saw was a label? Not very good, right?

By removing labels that create division, and embracing our loved ones as individual, we can begin the good work of loving well.

Love is a verb; not an action word.

GIVE acceptance and respect. Treat others as a human being, not a project. Listen well, with intent to understand, not just respond. Show up, not literally – surprise them by being someone they can count on, no matter what. Be patient, relationships are worth fighting for (again, not literally.)

‘A gay christian is not an oxymoron but a hateful christian certainly is.’

The shame that is heaped onto the LGBTQ community is NOT GOD. That shame is a product of bad teaching, a longing to stay in a good community, a fear of things changing in their world, and a fear of rejection that churches are perpetuating from the pulpit. I dare you to tell me that God did that… because I don’t know about you, but my God forgave me of my sins big and small and he loves me without question.

We may not always see eye to eye, and our beliefs and lifestyle choices may be different, but that doesn’t have to change how we love. I’ve come to realize that most people know the content of what we believe – but what they need help understanding is the context of what we believe. We’ve also got to work hard to find the common ground and mutual respect – not one but the both of us.

It’s okay for you to disagree, it’s okay for you to question, it’s okay for you to talk through your emotions and find a level ground, all of that’s okay! What’s not okay is for you to cast judgment, use vulgar hate to justify your actions, or to disown those you once embraced. What’s most important is that we keep trying, keep digging in. Keep the dialogue going. Keep listening and keep learning. Keep welcoming. Keep loving.

Worry less. Debate less. Argue less. Pray more.

“A new commandment I give you: love one another.” (John 13:34)

 

All of the love you’ve given to the wrong people – it will find its way back to you.

“How they make you feel says a lot about them and nothing about you. Trust me when I say, someone who makes you question if you’re worthy of being loved is not worthy of being loved by you.”

If you’re going to love, love like you mean it. Tell that person you care. Look them in the eyes. Kiss them with passion and a fearlessness that bubbles up from your chest. Don’t wonder whether or not they feel the same energy. Don’t stress over what you have right now, and whether it will grow. Don’t be afraid of the way life is imperfect and fragile. Just love.

If you’re going to love, love like tomorrow won’t come. Like this next day, next hour, next second is all you have. Like the person standing in front of you is the best damn thing you’ve ever seen. And if they’re not? Find someone who is.

If you’re going to love, love like there’s no one else. Like you can’t get enough of their touch, their smile, their laughter mixing with yours. Love like you’ve never even considered a life without them, and believe that they too have wished the same.

If you’re going to love, love like you’ve never been hurt. Like you’ve never experienced the pain of a broken heart, or the dishonesty in someone’s voice. Like you’ve never watched a relationship fall apart, or two people who once had passion for one another fade into the sky like old, burnt out stars.

If you’re going to love, love with a ferocity. Love like it’s all you’re meant to do, because in all honesty, what else is there? Give the person you care for your whole heart. Give them your hand, your smile, you soul. Show them who you are beyond the layers. Get vulnerable. Get messy.

If you’re going to love, love with eagerness. Show your person you’re there, you’re listening. Be present when they need you, and make plans for when you’ll see each other next. Be invested, be interested, be excited. Show them, in every possible way, how much they mean to you.

If you’re going to love, love with purpose. Love with all that you have, all that you are. Love, even when the world makes it difficult or says you should give up. Love through your actions, your words, your choices. Choose to love your person, no matter the ups and downs.

If you’re going to love—damn it, love with intention. Don’t half-love. Don’t ‘almost,’ or ‘kind of’ commit. Don’t waste time giving only portions of yourself so you both miss out on the real thing. Don’t lose what could be by playing victim to your fear.

If you’re going to love, just do it.

Just love and love and love. And never stop.

Family is important but so are you.

I come from a culture that puts family first; above all logic, above all personal needs and desires, pretty much above all practicality because that’s just how it is and how it’s always been.

“They’re older. They know better. They brought you into this world, they pay for your education and a roof over your head. They own you. You’re nothing without them.”

There comes a moment in your life when you realize that you don’t have to be like your family. You don’t have to listen to them and you don’t have to believe them. There comes a moment in your life when you realize that they don’t know better, they’re not wiser and they don’t know what’s best for you. There comes a moment in your life when you have to be okay with being associated with your family but not necessarily connected to them.

I am slowly learning the people who you choose to keep in your world are more significant than the people who were forced into it by circumstance and genetics. You should not be expected to stay loyal to family members that you did not pick, especially ones who don’t choose you. Family members who mistreat you, family members who make your life a living hell.

I am slowly learning that you’re allowed to cut people out of your world, even if they helped raise you. You’re allowed to make an adult decision and decide that not everyone from your childhood are heroes. Some of them are villains. Some of them are undeserving of your time and attention.

I am also slowly learning there is no reason to feel guilty about doing the right thing for your own mental health. YOU are NOT going to feel bad about saying goodbye to toxic people. YOU are NOT going to let anyone convince you that family matters more than anything else and it doesn’t matter what they do because you should always stick by them. That is bullshit. Actions have consequences. Even if it’s your cousin, even if it’s your father.

You cannot treat someone like a dirt on the bottom of your shoe over the course of years and expect me to always forgive you. You cannot expect them to give you respect when you have never given them the same in return. You cannot curse them out and expect them to always laugh it off because you’re family. That word means nothing without love and affection to back it up.

I am slowly learning family does not matter to me the way it did in the past. There is nothing binding you to those people except for blood — and I care more about the surface. I care about the way people treat me. I care about whether people get along with me and those who I care for, whether they pay me respect, whether they look at me like a human being or someone they can abuse without retribution.

I don’t care if people judge me over it. I don’t care if they say I should be more appreciative of family… and you shouldn’t either. They don’t know what you have been through. If a boyfriend treated you like complete shit, everyone would tell you to leave him and never speak to him again, right? If you chose to cut an abusive boyfriend out of your world, then you’d be applauded for strength. But when you choose to cut out an abusive family member, people try to make you feel guilty.

What is the difference if a relative does the same exact thing? Why should you stay loyal to them? Just because your bloodlines happen to overlap? I don’t know about you, but that’s a no for me.

You should not feel guilty about walking away from someone after all of the emotional abuse they have put you through. You should not feel bad about cutting someone out of your world, just because they were there for you growing up.

I am slowly learning family is something I can create myself. Family does not consist of the people who were inside of the hospital room on the day of my birth. My real family are the ones who have been there for me during my darkest hours. The ones who would never say hurtful things to me, even if they were enraged. The ones who love me and also like me. The ones who lessen my stress, not heighten it.

You deserve to put yourself first. Period.

Your voice. Your needs. Your freedom. Your dreams. Your desires. Your future. Your life. They’re yours and yours only.

They can’t take that way from you. They can’t force you to be like them. They can’t make you someone you’re not.

No one, I REPEAT NO ONE, is going to put you first, so why are you not letting yourself be that person? I know a lot of us want to care and put others first. But for goodness sake, you deserve the same love you are giving others. If you are questioning whether you put yourself first in certain situations with these blood relatives, cut ‘em out, honey.

YOU are allowed to cut toxic people out of your life. You are allowed to ignore phone calls and leave texts unanswered. You are allowed to not go to the door when they randomly show up, because you didn’t want them to stop by for a visit and they showed up unannounced. You are allowed to tell them that you want to be left alone, that you wish they would respect your privacy.

You are allowed to cut toxic people out of your life — even if they’re your parent, even if they’re your partner, even if they’re your best friend since kindergarten.

Don’t let someone toxic guilt trip you into keeping them around. And don’t let people who know nothing about your situation try to convince you that you should be more forgiving and stop pushing others away because they’re family or because you two have history or because life is too short to hold grudges. 

It’s time to stop feeling guilty for detaching from your family if they’re not helping you grow. It’s time to fight for your freedom, for an exit, for a life where you can redefine everything they’ve manipulated, everything they took away and everything they told you that made you believe that you’re not good enough.

That doesn’t mean you should say goodbye to someone the second they show up late or cancel plans or insult your haircut. But if they’ve done something truly unforgivable, if they have a habit of hurting you over and over again without making any changes to their behavior, then you already gave them enough time. You tried for long enough. And now, it’s time to let go.

The blood you share or the time you’ve spent with this person doesn’t matter. All that matters is whether this person holds you back or pushes you forward. Whether conversations with this person make you smile or make you want to slam your fist into a wall.

If every time you read a text from them, you get more stressed or anxious, then they don’t deserve a place in your life. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a bad person. It just means they’re bad for you.

And if you love yourself, you’ll let yourself close the door on them. You’ll give yourself the freedom to live without them.

It might be hard to do that. You might feel like crap for not wishing them a happy birthday or helping them with their bills or waving to them when you happen to cross paths.

But if someone is toxic, you don’t owe them anything. You don’t owe them your time, your respect, or an answer to their text. You don’t have to accept their Facebook request or invite them to the party you’re throwing that everyone else is going to attend. You don’t have to include them in your life anymore.

Your family will always be your family, they’ll always be a part of your life, but it’s okay to think of your family as a house of memories as you continue to look for the home they couldn’t give you.